Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Not all heroes wear capes….
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Ok but actually
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
dream blunt rotation
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what