astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas