Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
But wait…
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The first matador
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better