Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
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You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
What
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute