[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
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Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.