[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
😆this is so true
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”