At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.