At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Not even remotely sorry.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.