At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
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Me: *opens more*
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“I got expelled”
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
“and rub 1 out”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Practicing safe sax
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast