At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
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Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.