<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.