[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working