[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.