[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
The symmetry is uncanny.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
somewhere, in an alternate universe