[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
#winning
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.