[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Wait for it
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.