At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.