[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
You Might Also Like
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship