[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
is it earth
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain