[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
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Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
never ask a starfish for directions
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Cool shirt 🙂
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
This guy’s not having it 😆
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail