At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
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[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
set yourself free xox
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone