[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
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MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.