*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying