At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.