[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.