(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
You Might Also Like
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community