(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool


I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…


Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.


Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?


Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.


A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die


I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.


*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs


95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.