[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
You Might Also Like
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
you will never know the true number of layers
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.