Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
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I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.