At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Oh we’ve met.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…