@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

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@bingowings14

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

@down_thehole

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

@scot4bz

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

@GrabTheWEness

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@MrDelFreaky

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

@AngryRaccoon2

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

@WheelTod

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.