[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*