*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
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I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.