[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
so, is there a mister shapen head
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.