[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
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Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them