All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3
*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?