[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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an airline just for babies.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Sniffing the broccoli
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon