(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Received some very disappointing news today
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.