*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.