age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
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Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A