@Ideal_Victoria

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

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@envydatropic

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

@pauleggleston

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

@imskytrash

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

@RidiculousSheri

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

@WilliamRodgers

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

@sofarrsogud

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@spaceboyriley

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk