[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Happy Thanksgiving
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“no gods no masters” = leo
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Fiction has to make sense.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now