At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
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I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.