*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
You Might Also Like
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.