[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
BRO LMFAO
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅