[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
You Might Also Like
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley