At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
You Might Also Like
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*