At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news