@Jake_Vig

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

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@d_whitehouse

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@Andrew_S_Dykes

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

@MarfSalvador

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

@CruelMeiga

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

@toomanycommas3

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

@Marlebean

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”