~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far