[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
#Caturday
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.