[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
You Might Also Like
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Every time my phone rings
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Software Development ⛵️
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.