At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
You Might Also Like
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.