[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens