[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*