[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
You Might Also Like
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”